You are God alone

I had quite a scare last night!  I was taken to the ER by ambulance because I thought I was having a heart attack.  I’ve had a really stress filled year in a half.  I have lost important relationships with people in our family, we have been trying to adjust to a family of 10, we have two girls hitting their pre-teens, two toddlers, nursing a newborn, I’m trying to finish a degree, start a business, homeschool our kids, and my husband, in the last few months has become mostly chair-bound with his back condition.  I’ve felt the weight of the world on my shoulders and I’m really hard on myself!  I go to bed at night feeling guilty that I didn’t get my dishes done, or the house cleaned up, or laundry folded and put away, or that we’ve had take out three days in a row.  I work from the time I get up till after my kids go to bed and into the early morning hours.

The last few months I’ve not felt very well at all.  I’ve lost all energy!  I have to really force myself to do things.  I’ve gone to the doctor, a few of them, and always told nothing is wrong.  I felt like I had a stomach virus the last few weeks.  I would get really weak and feel like I was going to pass out but I kept pushing myself.  I needed LuLaRoe to work for us, I needed to get everything ready for our inventory to come in.  My husband isn’t able to make it to work like he would like right now and I have to make this work for us!  We need this to work  for us!  So instead of relying on God like I normally have in the past…I pushed myself to do it on my own.

Early Saturday evening I was up with stomach pain, and nausea.  I took some anti-nausea medicine and was able to get up and get going.  I tried to take photos of some of my inventory that came in but I got through two things and I was so weak I had to go lay down.  Around 7pm, I was watching a movie with my girls laying in the bed around me.  I sat up to go to the bathroom and had sharp pain in my chest.  It got worse and worse!  It radiated down both my shoulders, down my spine and around my ribs at the top of my stomach like someone was squeezing me with a belt.  I have had 8 children and the pain I was experiencing was far worse!  I thought I was dying.  I went to the bathroom to run a bath thinking it would relieve the pain, I was on the floor by the tub crying in pain.  I yelled for my oldest and asked her to go get her daddy.  I got in the tub but the pain was worse!  I couldn’t breathe!  I was panting, trying to catch my breath between the cries of pain, and all I could think was “I refuse to die in front of my kids!”  As it got worse and not better, I asked my husband to call 911 because I didn’t think I would make it to the hospital without intervention alive.  At this point all my kids were crying and some of them were praying for me and my pain lessened to where I could get out of the tub and into my room to get dressed.  I got downstairs, my girls put shoes on me, and the ambulance was in my driveway!  They immediately did an EKG, and vitals, and an IV, and said everything looked great! I continued to have pain in the ambulance to where I felt like I was screaming in pain!  Right before we pulled into the hospital all the pain was gone!  COMPLETELY GONE!
The doctor felt like it was from my virus, that it could be a combination of my virus and stress, and anxiety on top of it.  I am grateful it wasn’t something more serious!  I felt a little stupid calling 911 for nothing now, but at the time it felt like I was dying.  I couldn’t explain why all the sudden all my pain went away.  Maybe it was the aspirin I took before leaving the house, or maybe…it was my 7 children kneeling at home praying with my mother-in-law, or my mom praying on the way to the hospital reminding God of the promise she made to him 27 years ago that if he would heal me she would serve him the rest of her life, or my husband praying while driving behind me the whole way; I’m not sure, maybe all of the above?  Whatever the reason, I’m thankful!  The look on my children’s faces was heartbreaking!  Having to leave them so quickly without a hug, or kiss was devastating  to them.

I got home a little after midnight and I woke all of them and hugged them!  This morning I woke up to all of them waking me and hugging me!  My little “hobble-bobble” says, “mom, I’m the only one who didn’t cry last night and do you know why?  Because I remembered the bible verse you taught me, ‘do not fear for I am with you,’ and I knew that God was going to heal you!”  I’ve thought about what she said all day today!  I’ve instilled into my child that God is in control, and there is nothing to fear and she has hung onto that through such a scary hard time!  Why can’t I?  Why do I always start out thinking that God is in control and he will provide, and he will bless my business and he will come through, he will heal my relationships, and my husband yet  when things get SO hard to where it seems like things are going to fall apart- I step in and take things into my own hands and just make them worse.

I listened to a song today that said:

“You are God alone
From before time began
You were on Your throne
Your are God alone
And right now
In the good times and bad
You are on Your throne
You are God alone”

It really spoke to my heart that I am one person, I am human, and like my sister said to me today I am NOT super-woman, despite what everyone is always posting on my facebook wall.  It is okay right now to not have a clean house, to not have all my laundry folded, or not to have all my summer clothes put away, but it isn’t OK to constantly try to take God’s place in my life.  GOD is GOD alone, he knows what he is doing, he doesn’t need me doing it for him.  When things don’t go as I like, I just need to walk away and ask God for help!  It is easier said than done sometimes; however, those 8 crying faces will be forever ingrained into my mind. Time to refocus, and remember who is on the throne!



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