Celebrating Noah…

baby Noah

After such a long, emotional birth with our sweet baby #7 (who doesn’t have a nickname yet for the blog), my husband and I decided it was important for my health to take our fertility into our own hands for a while and make sure I get a break before we have another little one again.  We are at almost 3 months from my delivery date, and I am STILL sore!  We also really desire to get our house in order, there is so much I can’t get done when I’m not feeling well from morning sickness and my body hurts from so much extra weight; we’ve been here for a year now and still we are not unpacked!!  So we agreed for my health, it was important to try to prevent another pregnancy for a while till I was healthier.

Three weeks ago, God showed up!  I noticed my tummy getting puffy, I gained a few pounds, I was showing a ton of other symptoms a mile long, so I went to my husband and let him know that we may want to get a pregnancy test, JUST in case!  I’m still nursing and occasionally I have to take fenugreek to keep a good milk supply in for #7 and it wouldn’t be good for a new baby.  I took a pregnancy test that Friday and there was a faint second line indicating it was positive!!  I had so many emotions and mixed feelings but one that I could not really shake was the feeling that I was not going to meet my baby.  While I wanted a break from being pregnant for a while, I would ALWAYS rather be pregnant than to lose a child!  Once I had a positive test- I sent my husband out to get the more expensive test in order to MAKE SURE!!

I took another test that Sunday and it appeared to be negative at first but a light line appeared soon after!  This line was not as dark as the first test I took so I let my husband know that I was pretty sure I was losing the baby.  And after three more tests, we watched the line get lighter and lighter until it was gone.

Through this process I kept praying asking the Lord to give me clarity that it was in fact a loss.  I didn’t want to feel loss over something that wasn’t really there.  So this morning when I woke and took the last test- it was negative!  I went back to bed and prayed that God would give me more clarity.  I had a dream that I was pregnant.  I went to the doctor to see what we were having and I found out it was a boy!  I was so excited I ran home, trying to find my husband to tell him because I knew he would be so excited!!  The next thing I know I am sitting in the bed with a baby blanket between my legs and a tiny baby boy on top of it.  He was born too early, and was super tiny!  He wasn’t breathing so I was frantically trying to move him to wake him up!  Then I woke up- and realized I was losing our baby!

We spent the evening tonight trying to decide on his name.  We decided on “Noah” because it means “peace.”   Our baby boy is at peace, and the Lord showed me that through my dream of him sleeping.  When I wrote a similar story about our baby Joy two years ago, I was so hesitant to post it because I know some people think that these things should be kept to themselves.  I am of the opinion that all babies should be celebrated and so posting this IS my way of celebrating our little Noah’s short life.  I know that God never wastes our pain so I have been searching for meaning through this.  I really think that God has been continuing to show me that HE is God and that I have NO control over GOD things!  Baby #7 was conceived while trying to be prevented- faster than any of our other babies, and Noah, was conceived even FASTER than baby #7 and we took even greater measure to prevent this time around!  God is going to do what God wants to do and nothing will stop him!!  Baby Noah will forever be in my heart!  Right now my heart is aching for him, but I know with time it will ache a little less, but it will never fully go away!  I know he and Joy will be waiting together to meet us one day!