I’ve found myself these last few months in a new season with the Lord. I’ve been hearing him speak to me a lot over things that I would have never imagined myself changing in my life (that will be another post though). I know I posted a bit about this in my last time but I felt the need to elaborate a little more.
In the last month or two, life has been so busy for me. I’m finishing up a class this week and then that will be it for me until next year after the baby is born. I’ve been excited to finish my class because it was just not a great time to take a class right now for me. Because I had withdrew from my courses last Spring, I had to retake them this Spring or risk losing money on them. It was near impossible for me to not take classes this semester- and it was not great timing! Moving into a home in September where we didn’t get to start unpacking until January and then starting classed in January, has made things so chaotic. I feel if I can get just ONE room in the house cleaned each day (although it is a mess the next) I have accomplished something! I’m now starting to come out of that super business (a little) and by the end of this week will finally be able to focus all my energy on our home and children and husband!
I’ve felt in the last few months a sense of loneliness being a stay at home mom. It started to lose it’s luster, and I began to lose sight of why I wanted to homeschool and stay at home in the first place. God has put me in a season of loneliness. Most people around me who I’ve either just started to get to know, and was excited about the potential friendships that could be, or people who I have made friends with are moving away! I can count 6 families in my life that are moving by the end of the summer! Because of the business of the last few months I’ve not found a lot of time for socializing and when I do have a few minutes, no one is around. I found myself asking the Lord, “what is the purpose of this Lord?” “why do you want me to be lonely right now?” For weeks I’ve prayed this and then the other day a song came on the radio by Sidewalk Prophets called, “Keep making me.” The lyrics said:
Make me lonely
So I can be Yours
‘Til I want no one
More than You, Lord
‘Cause in the darkness
I know You will hold me
Make me lonely
Til You are my one desire
‘Til You are my one true love
‘Til You are my breath, my everything
Lord, please keep making me
This song really spoke to my heart and helped me to see that being lonely isn’t always a bad thing! Sometimes God just wants to clear the playing field to give you more time to focus on the things that are most important in your life. I’ve realized recently that my priorities have not been as strict and in line as I used to make them in my life and have been thinking that I need to remedy that. Without other distractions it will allow me to refocus and really work on those areas that I’ve been wanting to work on.
I did get invited last night to see the movie “God’s not dead” with a few friends which was nice! While I essentially knew the story of the movie I was really excited to watch it since I have been taking a philosophy class myself recently. It was really interesting to me to be able to see someone use each of the arguments that I’ve been learning in my class to defend the existence of God. At the end of the movie (trying not to give spoilers here) the boy had just no idea how many lives that he changed, and touched just by defending the existence of God. There were people standing all around him that knew what he did for them, but he didn’t know what he had done for them. As I watched that part of the movie I began praying, “Lord that’s what I want, I want to do something huge like that for you! I want to change people’s lives so that they will follow you and love you! Being in ministry isn’t something we are part of right now but maybe you can open a door?” I felt his still small voice speak to my heart, ” I have given you many children- not just any children- but children who are chosen! You are to pour into their lives, and when you are empty from pouring I will fill you up again, if you just ask! I have turned water into wine and I can fill up your cup when you are dry. Through your children, you will change lives, inspire others who you have no idea you have touched, encourage other women, break generational curses and lead more lives to Jesus Christ. This is the most important ministry I could have given you!
While it has been on my heart for a few weeks that I need to think of my children as my ministry, hearing it in those words brings a whole new light to it. Sometimes it gets so hard working toward molding these little people into Godly women, especially when the clay is constantly cracking and you have to keep going OVER and OVER the same thing trying to smooth it out! It’s so hard to see past that crack and what the finished product will be later! I think that is one of the hardest things about parenting. It’s time for me to go back to the heart of what I wanted my parenting to be like in the beginning, to what I wanted homeschooling to be like, instead of just working to get to the next day! I have to strive each day to make sure that it is in the front of my mind that I am not just “a stay at home mom” but I am a warrior, a survivor in the middle of a huge mission field, fighting a spiritual battle daily! The only thing that is going to help me to accomplish my goal is to keep the Lord at the front of my mind and only rely on HIM and not myself!